Drive This Train!

Sometimes us ladies need you fellas to "Drive This Train!" But what does that mean, exactly? Well, it's an expression my friend Candice uses when referring to a person who plans a date. On occasion, it's simply nice to board the train knowing that the destination, estimate times, tune-ups and all other pertinent details have been arranged, and that my sole responsibility is to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride...

1) When you ask me out on a date, your next question is almost always: "What would you like to do?" I immediately throw it back into your court: "I don't know. What do you suggest?" Then you say something like, "I don't know. I'm up for anything." Setting a date can also lead to a similar conversation. "When are you free?" "I'm pretty flexible." UGH!!!! Odds are you'll assume that I'm a bougie bitch for suggesting Sullivan's for their jazz trio that does a killer rendition of Mack the Knife. So really, you're not up for anything.

2) You 'could eat' and I'm on a see-food eat-food diet so we settle on going to dinner. Solid choice. Do we really have to go through every ethnicity known to man to decide on a restaurant, becoming progressively more obscure the further we go along? Mexican? Italian? Greek? Pan-Asian? Lithuanian? Australian? WHAT THE HELL DO AUSTRALIANS EVEN EAT?!!?!?!?!?!?!

Australian food it is. I'm excited about trying something new and since this is your first time too, we'll have a shared experience and bond over how amazing or disgusting that Koala dish was.

HOW TO DRIVE THIS TRAIN:

Ask me out to a specific place at a specific time. For example, "I've driven passed this Australian restaurant a hundred times. How about we have dinner there this Friday?" 2 out of 3 times I'll say "Sure, I've always wanted to try Koala," even if I know I'm allergic! And if you're going to force me to make a decision, don't make faces when Mack the Knife comes on. ::ACCESS DENIED::
 

3) On your way to my place we exchange a series of text messages that go a little something like this:

10 MINUTES BEFORE DATE

hey

Hey! What's up?

whats ur address again?

123 Peachtree Lane. You take the expressway to 1, turn left at 2, make a right at 3, and voila! Peachtree Lane.

K on my way

Ok. See you soon! :)

30 MINUTES LATER (20 MINUTES LATE)

hey

Hey! You downstairs?

no still on expressway. were do i get off again?

1

then what

turn left at 2, make right at 3, and voila! Peachtree Lane.

k

15 MINUTES LATER (35 MINUTES LATE)

hey

Where are you?

lost. i went to 4 like you said but didnt see Peachtree

!!!%#@$!!

HOW TO DRIVE THIS TRAIN:

In a world of MapQuest, OnStar, Google Maps, Yahoo Directions, GPS, iPhones, and Blackberries, do not text me for directions.
::ACCESS DENIED:: Here's a novel concept - STOP AT A GAS STATION AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS! I'm too busy having a crisis over here! (See #4)

4) You FINALLY get to my place and I'm not ready. You razz me about it. Listen asshole, I showered, shaved, waxed, tweezed, went through EVERY fucking outfit in my closet, self-loathed, changed my outfit, sewed a button, squeezed into a girdle, painted the three toenails that will show through my peep toe heels, changed my outfit, drew on my eyebrows, accidentally poked myself in the eye with eyeliner, changed my outfit, danced to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance (twice), curled my hair AND COACHED YOU ON HOW TO GET TO MY FUCKING APARTMENT. I'm down to blush, lipstick, perfume and throwing the essentials into my clutch with possibly one last outfit change depending on what you're wearing. DEAL WITH IT!

HOW TO DRIVE THIS TRAIN:

Don't razz me about getting ready. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

5) We get to your car and I'm forced to wait outside for 10 minutes while you clear out the contents of the passenger's seat.

6) One block into our trek to the Australian restaurant the gas light comes on. We spend the next 20 minutes driving around searching for a Shell gas station because you've been dying to use that Shell gift card your aunt gave you last Christmas.

HOW TO DRIVE THIS TRAIN:

Clean your car and fill it with gas PRIOR to picking me up. All you have to do to prepare for a date is shower, possibly shave, and pick out something to wear; I think you can afford to spruce up your car before you come get me. Plus, you'll have time to search for a Shell gas station near you since the one half a block from my house is designed to explode should you ever need it.

7) We make it to the Australian Restaurant and it actually looks promising! Who knew Koala was such a popular delicacy?! Upon entering we discover that there's a two-hour wait. You didn't call ahead of time to make reservations.

HOW TO DRIVE THIS TRAIN:

This is remedial dating not even Dating 101. If you suggested a restaurant we've never been to, check it's website for the basics like directions, parking information, and whether or not they take reservations. You can also use this as an opportunity to gauge pricing information. This may be one of the places you save for further down the line once you figure out whether you like me enough to spend $24 on a salad.